#cursed

If you’ve read some of my posts you would understand that I’ve struggled with depression through much of my life (inceptivus, caligo, view from a hole). You would also see that I have dealt with anxiety fairly regularly (Deus Patria Ipse, vita). It would further be evident that I have wandered through significant doubts and struggles in my faith (labo, mendacium, Jireh). If you weren’t careful, you would think I was a miserable person, but I’m not. First of all, these are only eight of over 160 posts. Secondly, I recognize that misery is a valuable part of life. Don’t get me wrong – that doesn’t mean that I go looking for it, or that I wallow around in it – but it will either break you or make you stronger, and I have finally chosen the “make you stronger” route. Further, once the “make you stronger route” is chosen and then traveled, you find yourself equipped to bless. And that brings joy to the miserable.

Beginning in law school, after someone rear-ended my vehicle in Jackson, Mississippi, my issues began to manifest in jerks and twitches that looked like Tourette’s Syndrome. In the beginning, it was just at night when I was winding down – it would go on for a bit until I fell asleep. As years progressed, it would rear it’s ugly head more often, and sometimes in public, or even in court. It became so bad that I couldn’t tolerate loud music or sharp, quick noises like a strike on a drum or a clap. Finally, just a flash of light would set me off into convulsions such that I would sometimes have to leave work and go home to a silent room. It seemed like a curse akin to the proverbial “thorn in the flesh” that the Apostle Paul endured. (Don’t look at me)

Now that I have been on lexapro and klonopin regularly for a year and a half, I am in good enough condition to use my curses to bless others. Oh I still have issues, but I find now that if I am open about them, other people relate and I can help them see that things can get better. Sometimes I have the pleasure of even guiding them to a place where that can happen. That is a blessing for me and them both.

So sometimes we wonder how we can possibly be thankful for the curses in life. Well this is it! At this point, I am honestly thankful for the depression, the anxiety, and even the freakish twitches, because those things enable me to understand people’s problems and their understanding of mine enables them to open up to me in counseling (“attorney and counselor at law”) or mediation.

In short, I’m cursed, and that’s a blessing. Just like in “abba.”

I’ve finally learned to be thankful for it.

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The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,
    because the Lord has anointed me
    to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
    to proclaim freedom for the captives
    and release from darkness for the prisoners,[a]
to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor
    and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
    and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
    instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
    instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
    instead of a spirit of despair.

Isaiah 61:1-3 and Luke 4:18

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